i've lost my inhibitions. i'm serious. in the past week, i've managed to lock myself out of my room 3 days in a row. that's almost 50% of last week. one of which occured in the middle of the night, which resulted in waking up my roommate at 3 am to have her open the door for me. a thing i'd like to avoid at all costs in the future. i sleep so much now. i wake up and want to sleep again. homework has become a morning activity where i use adrenaline

i've been abstaining from sweets and late night snacks for a pretty long time. but this last week has resulted in 5 late night snacks at jack-in-the-box! i'm even drinking soda. and in the past week, i've found myself drawn to this insanely HOTT frat boy. what's going on??? oh i forgot. it's midterm season....

SEXLESS IN THE OC (Season 1)

if you haven't figured it out. yes, victoria and i are spoofing off of that famous HBO show. and if you ask me why....it's quite plain and simple. i'm single. and therefore sexless at uci, which just happens to be situated in the heart of the OC.

so let's start. i've seen so many relationships in college. i feel the pain of on and off relationships. i see people at the height of their relationships and just last night i saw the remnants of a broken heart in front of me. i sense girls hanging onto their significant other's voices on a cell phone....putting off the present world to spend a couple moments of bliss with him. and it's tough. having to watch idealized dreams formulated by girls who simply want to be loved, shatter into a million pieces. it's heartwrenching. understanding their distress, wiping away their tears with hugs and encouraging them to believe that they will find love again. that hope still remains. i met this new girl the other day. and she told me how she had slept with another guy in his roommate's bed for fun because she was drunk. her bf had found out and they talked it over. the solution? everything is now forgotten and in the past. how can this be a love that anyone wants? forgiveness is a virtue, but condoning cheating and the pacifying views of cheating that has fallen upon this generation lead to an abyss of heartache. no one wants that for themselves. and its tough digging yourself outta a hole you had no hesitation jumping into....so i chose to be sexless. a choice to never fall into a pattern of never truly taking into consideration an existing love that quenches all needs.

so eighteen years of singleness. aiming for nineteen...

why is it sexless??? besides the fact that i'm saving myself for the one (abstinence kicks butt kids!!!)....i just have had bad experiences with guys....i usually get the wrong ones. the ones who are incredibly heebie. the kinds that ogle. the ones that basically drool and are too apprehensive to talk to me (it's a good thing). the sect that is way TOO eager to strike a conversation. i've even had a semi mentally retarded boy write me creepy poems about spring.....and then there's the few who are perfectly fine but fail to interest me in anyway. again. it's very few. and these instances of any guy chasing after me are already minuscule. but the heebs....their stares of intensity tend to linger around more than they should, making each and every event harder to bear.

or perhaps i look for the wrong types. or i set such high standards so that no one can possibly fulfill all the necessary requirements. i hate guys who crack their knuckles. i abhor guys who try to catch my eye by staring at me to attract my attention. and lastly, i despise boys who think they can woo me with their muscles. please, spare yourself the embarrassment. everyone has muscles, some (like me!) just don't show them off. what is it that my heart desires??? i need a guy who can sing and catch notes. someone who appreciates, lives, and breathes music as much as i do. whose hidden talent is cooking and favorite past time is teaching young children how to swim. but most importantly he has to be a man of God. a fellow brother in Christ willing to chase after me and help my relationship with God grow stronger. and lastly, he must entice me with his smell. cologne would be nice. correction, required. but i'd like him to smell like a burrito. mmmm.

i believe i have a problem with being chased. not that it happens often, but when it does once every couple years, i hate it. i feel uncomfortable. mostly due to my inclination to resist all feelings. usually i can make myself hate a guy within 10 seconds. maybe even less. and i let my concerns for him as a human overpower my sympathy for his faults and usually it ends bitterly. i'm mean. i avoid him. i make sure that he does not come up in conversations in order to keep the contents of my stomach intact within my digestive system. so anyone can resolve that i'm single cuz i'm mean. but in actuality, i'm single because i choose to be mean. there's a huge difference.

and then there's the argument that agent clee has no capability to love. pardon me, but that's a completely preposterous accusation! i love my unicorns. i love carbs. i can't get enough of cheese. and i love Lancelot in a way that any guy who experienced it would be priviliged to even have 1/16 of the love i shower upon my knight in shining armor. in conclusion, i CAN love. 100% capable of it. if i wasn't, i'd have already been thrown out of my house and turned into a hermit. i'm not the tinman who was born with no heart. my explanation??? i just like to avoid drama. and plus, there's no use in spending time getting to know someone who isn't meant for me anyways....HIS future girl should be the one spending time thinking about him. not me.

uci has definitely changed my views of boys. and its not only cuz i am exposed to relationships and conduct never seen before coming into college. but the unthinkable has finally happened. the male side of the asian race has finally started to grasp hold of my attention. i am sad to admit it. and my confession??? i like crayons. this in itself is a bad idea. it seems that all the caucasian boys are athletes, incredibly heebie, or frat guys. i don't like any of them. athletes make me feel fat, heebies intensify (in a bad way) any daily event, and frat guys have no interest in short asian girls. therefore, i'm left with asians. it's kinda like a lose-lose situation. but i guess it must be my destiny. otherwise no race would have been eliminated as possible prospects. so in the end, my refusal to admit that asian guys are refraining me from solely focusing on my studies purports me into the epitome of sexless in the oc.

i won't admit it's not hard. having to abstain from falling head over heels over the hottest guy in my poli sci class. constantly having to remind hallmates that i am single and fine with it. or watching six of my suitemates enjoy the emotional connection they have with their boyfriends. it's tough. it's a conundrum. and frankly in some instances it sucks!!! so with no male figurine to carry my umbrella for me in the event of a frightful drizzle of raindrops, i'm continuing winter quarter with my head help high, ready for any challenges thrown into my face. and to put it quite simply. i'll wait it out. and seek what God has in store for me. cuz no matter what it is, one thing's for sure. it'll be just grand. and that's worth waiting for.